With The Cup Back, Universal Order Restored

Everything is right in the world now. Nothing else matters. The cup is back home where it had been for 132 years (the longest winning streak in sports history fyi) before it was lost to the Aussies. Larry Ellison, CEO of Oracle and badass sailing billionaire, and Russell Coutts, the Kiwi that took the cup away from us last time we had it, came riding in on their white horse, or in this case a trimaran, and $200 million dollars later, they won the cup back for us. It was being defended by the Swiss!!! The SWISS!!! Switzerland isn’t even on the ocean. How in the hell did they have a team that could win the cup, TWICE!!!!

But none of that matters. The universe is in order now. You watch. Obama will loose the next election, the Tea Party movement will take the House and more seats in the Senate, Iraq will blossom, Afghanistan will get its act together, and world hunger will be solved. All because we took back the cup.

You think I’m lying. Look what has happened in the world since we lost the cup. We first lost it for four years on 26 September 1983. What happened in those years? Here’s just a sample:

• December 17, 1983 – A Provisional IRA car bomb kills 6 shoppers and injures 90 in London
• March 5, 1984 – Iran accuses Iraq of using chemical weapons.
• October 31, 1984 – Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi is assassinated by her 2 Sikh security guards.
• December 31, 1984 – Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen gets in a car accident, severing his left arm.
• May 15, 1985 – An explosive device sent by the Unabomber injures John Hauser at UC Berkeley.
• November 13, 1985 – Nevado del Ruiz volcano erupts, killing an estimated 23,000 people
• November 20, 1985 – Microsoft Corporation releases the first version of Windows, Windows 1.0
• January 19, 1986 — The first PC virus, Brain, starts to spread
• January 28, 1986 — Space Shuttle Challenger disintegrates, killing 7 astronauts and 1 school teacher
• April 26, 1986 — In Ukraine, one of the reactors at the Chernobyl nuclear plant explodes
• November 4, 1986 — Democrats regain control of the United States Senate
• January 5, 1987 – U.S. President Ronald Reagan undergoes prostate surgery

In 1987 we won the cup back until May of 1995. The universe was starting to be in order again.

• March 9, 1987 – The Irish rock band U2 releases their studio album The Joshua Tree.
• January 1, 1988 – The Soviet Union begins its program of economic restructuring, perestroika
• May 15, 1988 – The Red Army begins withdrawing from Afghanistan
• November 28, 1989 – The Communist Party of Czechoslovakia give up their power
• February 11, 1990 – Nelson Mandela is released from Victor Verster Prison
• March 10, 1991 – Gulf War – 540,000 American troops begin to leave the Persian Gulf
• June 23, 1992 – Mafia boss John Gotti is sentenced to life in prison
• March 24, 1993 – South Africa officially abandons its nuclear weapons program
• January 1, 1994 – The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) is established
• January 4, 1995 – The 104th US Congress, the first controlled by Republicans in both houses since 1955 convenes

Just when the world was getting better, Russell Coutts sailing for New Zealand took the cup away from us. Dennis Connor, skippering Young America, knocked the universe out of whack by loosing. Everything has gone to hell in the world since then: Monica Lewinski, September 11th, the Republicans loose control of both houses, Bush’s “compassionate conservatism” ends up being just more progressive drivel, Afghanistan, Iraq, Obama, Pelosi, and Reid.

But rest assured, everything will be restored once again. Larry Ellison should be given the Congressional Medal of Honor, and Russell Coutts should be granted tax free citizenship in this country. The universe has been placed in order. Proof that Larry Ellison just may be God after all.