Letters Archive

Dear Democrats,

We just personally wanted to thank your party for undertaking the repair project of our Capitol Complex. We’ve been so busy protecting the world from the neo-fascist movement of radical Islam that some things really have fallen in disarray. Here is a list of things that need to be fixed:

• Senator Kennedy plugged the toilet in the south chamber. We could never figure out what happened, but he swears he doesn’t remember a thing. Apparently he just accidentally dropped something in the water and walked home in a drunken stupor. He did call the Chappaquiddick Plumbing Partners the next day, but not before talking to his lawyer.
• Senator Kerry’s transcript from Yale (a C minus student) is missing. He says he hired one of our retarded soldiers to package his papers and prepare them for the move to the bigger senate offices of the majority party. Good luck finding it, we have it on good account that Cheney’s CIA people acquisitioned the document last week and delivered it to President Bush, who then used it to wipe himself after eating a rather spicy Brisquette. The toilets in the West Wing, by the way, function marvelously.
• Soon-To-Be Madam Speaker Pelosi may have a problem with those drapes she measured earlier. Newt, the bombastic strategist, in a fit of righteous indignation tore the old ones down, curtain rods and all, in ’94. Then he removed the reflective glass that used to be there in favor of full transparency. In ’99 Hastert, the quiet tactician got rid of the glass altogether, claiming that it was devisive by nature and separated him from the outside world.
• Just a couple of days ago John Murtha passed out in the botanic gardens. Unfortunately, he soiled himself as well and is starting to stink really bad. We just didn’t have the fortitude to touch democrat dung, our’s is bad enough!!! You can try to clean it up, or just use a little infamous realpolitik and gerrymander the problem away, if you redistrict the Capitol complex properly, technically you can claim that Mr. Murtha is not in the botanical garden, but on the outskirts of the bathroom! Don’t worry, eventually the stink will go away and people will forget he is even there.
• Oh yeah, you will need to buy a new desk in Senator Hatch from Utah’s old office, should the senate swing. His aides have reported that he has carved the words “Excommunicate Harry Reid” into his desk.
• About Senator Lieberman, he likes his office just how it is, but has requested to change the drapes from blue to purple.
• Trent Lott’s old office needs to have the sheetrock replaced. You see, he has spent the last year and a half dodging bullets from bloggers. Don’t worry about cleaning up the shotgun shells, he collected all those and reloaded them to take care of that 14 day duck hunting extension he got for mississippi back in ’99.
• Oh, then there’s Russ Feingold. He converted the kitchen into the office for all the Democrat Incumbants. John McCain insisted on working there as well. Apparently they think that they are the only ones good enough to be near the pork.
• Please clean the carpets in the House Minority Wing. 12 years of Patchouli Oil, Incense and fried tofu has taken its toll.
• The dome above the capitol building, it is a figure of the overarching providence of God as he directs this, the greatest nation on God’s green earth. You’re welcome to leave that just how it is.

Take your time on the repairs. You may not hear from us for a little while. We are going to take a vacation, get ourselves back to being the party that Jesus himself would join, and recommit ourselves to a new Contract with America. Have fun, thanks for house-sitting, and remember, the masters of the property will be back in 2 years.

Sincerely,

Republicans

Dear Senator Lieberman,

This morning I found out that you lost the Democratic Primary Election for your Connecticut Senate seat. As the centrist incumbent in your state, you should have won this primary. I am afraid that your state is on the verge of losing a valuable asset, a man that represents the overwhelming view of its citizens. American politics may be divided in a 50/50 split between the left and right, but the American populace is unified in a super majority of center/right ideals, a position you have espoused humbly and nobly all too often in the face of sordid criticism.

Mr. Ned Lamont does not represent the ideals of the Connecticut citizenry. He will betray them, should he be elected in the general election, in the single most important duty to which his oath of office commits him: support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. Mr. Lamont’s win is reflective of the Democratic Party’s base and their commitment to make plastic the concrete portions of the Constitution. The party of FDR, Truman, and JFK no longer stands as the champion of American ideals. Having been seduced by radical, left-leaning, trust-fund fellow-wanderers, the Democrats have prostituted their ideals, indeed their very platform, on the altar of institutionalized protorevolution.

You are still under oath and will be until this term is over. You, Sir, have a duty to defend the Constitution of the United States against a very real, domestic enemy: the extreme left coalition of net-root socialist radicals that have hijacked Democracy in America. Mr. Lamont’s victory, in a very real way, empowers that coalition. It is a coalition with goals of deifying the state, disbanding basic freedoms, and dissolving American sovereignty. You have pledged an oath to defend the Constitution against such enemies. As a concerned citizen, I call on you, nay, I plead with you, return to the General Election as an independent. You will win that election. Primaries are too often fated to fall to astroturfing forces, unlike general election, where only true grassroots movements will alter the American’s center/right voting style. Ignore the poles and campaign your heart out. You owe it to your sacred honor as a US Senator to defeat Mr. Ned Lamont.

Sincerely,

Branden Espinoza.

Dear Mr. Chirac:

Shame on you for caving. The youth employment law that you single-handedly denounced was passed by your country’s parliament. You had a chance to make a real impact on the younger generation’s unemployment problem. But you caved. Your country has engendered an attitude of entitlement amongst your people. It is a virus. It, if not checked, will destroy your nation. You, like Italy’s Mr. Berlusconi, ran as a conservative. You, like Mr. Berlusconi, received a mandate from your people to reform your government’s standard practices. And you, like Mr. Berlusconi, have failed to uphold your supposed beliefs and values.

You live in a country lulled to sleep by the indulgent decadence of socialism. You have been defiant, not of the suggestions the United States, but of the suggestions of common sense. You have promoted socialist belly-rubbing cronies throughout all of your administration, up to and including your heir apparent, Prime Minister de Villepin. Your entire career has been one of political maneuvering to ensure your own political survival.

I don’t care if the concerns of the youth were just. The fact of the matter is that their demonstrations broke out into violence and you and Mr. de Villepin caved. You should have punished those involved with the riots. Instead, you rewarded them. Chicago was the home to the most polarized of riots in 1919. After rioters torched buildings leaving 1000 homeless, 537 injured, and 38 people dead, Mayor William Thompson mobilized the National Guard. One black boy got shot and within 5 hours the riots were over.

You should have been strong. You should have been a man. You should have delivered the only worthwhile piece of legislation your supposed “conservative” government has delivered in the past 7 years. Instead you legitimized their cause.

Yours are a great people. Yours is a great culture. And yours is a history of victory in the face of peril. But I stand with shoulders square pointing the finger of blame at you. France knows no leadership.

Branden Espinoza